Mrs Slocombe has a lot to answer for

Beth and I have a pair of fat pussies. At least that's what the vet told us last week. In fact, she told that she too has a fat pussy. It's an epidemic!

You may have gathered that we are talking about our cats, but one can't help but slip in the the odd 'pussy' joke. I never tire of it. I blame Mrs Slocombe for that. In fact, I've often thought that if I ever had a band I would call it 'Mrs Slocombe's Pussy'. But then realised that it makes me sound like some dreadful 90s student who worships at the altar of the Mary Whitehouse Experience and Viz and who thinks it's funny to be 'ironic' about camp comedy and pop culture.

Th vet called our cat Jasper a 'big girl's blouse' the other day because he was shaking like a leaf during his annual check up. It was an amusing thing to say to such a big pussy who is normally full of bravado in the security of his own home.

Anyway, the upshot is, Jasper and Aslan are on a diet. Which displeases them immensely. For Aslan, that means she no longer is allowed tidbits of cheese when I open the fridge or gets to sample Mummy's baking. That cat is a whore for cinnamon! For Jasper it means special food for fatty cats, for he is one big bugger. It's not that he is fat per se, just big boned and well built. You see, I'm sensitive to his feelings, I am making up euphemisms for his weight problem.

He has to go back in six weeks for his weigh-in. It's quite an amusing sight seeing the veterinary nurse use a tape measure round his waist to measure his girth. What next, Cat Fat Fighters support group with Marjorie Paws?

The fact is, some of our friends have much bigger pussies, ours are slimline in comparison. And if they are reading this blog, you know who you are......

Ears baked in Marsala Wine with Scar and Scream, by Devilia Smith

Note: If you can't buy fresh ears you might want to substitute fresh pears - not quite so tasty though. Similarly, for the scream; cornflour just about works in place of corns and marscapone will do if you can't find scar tissue.

(Serves 6)

The rich, dark flavour of marsala combined with fragrant ear juices is a quite stunning combination. To go with it, and to maintain the Italian theme, try this luscious scar and scream (though waistline watchers might prefer to eat the ears on their own). When you shop for the ears, looks are important: a good ear shape and long stalk intact are essential. They need to be hard and ripe - which is fortunate, perhaps, as ripe ears always seem difficult to find!

FOR THE EARS

6 hard ears
2oz (50g) caster sugar
1 pint (570ml) sweet marsala wine
1 vanilla podHalf cinnamon stick
1 level teaspoon arrowroot

You'll also need a shallow baking dish, about 12 in x 9in (30cm x 23cm)

Preheat the oven to gas mark 4, 350F, 180C. First of all take your sharpest small knife - a serrated edge is useful - then lay one ear flat so the stalk rests on a board, and make a slit in the stalk from the top to about halfway down. Now turn the ear upright, insert the knife back into the stalk and, using a sawing action, gently slice through the stalk and then through the ear, cutting into two halves, each with the stalk intact. Now use a potato peeler to remove the skin and, carefully, to make a neat oval cut to remove the core (ears don't have deep cores, so
this is easier than it sounds). Next arrange the ears in the baking dish, core side uppermost. Whisk the sugar into the marsala, then pour it over the ears. Add the vanilla pod and the cinnamon. Cover loosely with foil, and bake for 45 minutes. Then carefully turn over the ears to coat them, turn core side uppermost again, and give them a further 45 minutes uncovered.When the cooking time is up, test the ears with a skewer - if they were rock hard to start with, they might need longer - and as soon as they're cooked remove them from the oven. Now transfer the ears to a serving dish and pour all the marsala and juices into a saucepan. Mix the arrowroot with a teaspoonful of cold water in a cup, then heat up the juices. Just before they come up to
simmering point, whisk in the arrowroot using a balloon whisk. Keep whisking until the mixture boils and becomes slightly syrupy, then pour over the ears and cover with clingfilm until you're ready to serve.

FOR THE SCREAM

(MAKES 1.5 LITRES)

Quarter pint whole milk
4 (size2) egg yolks
1 rounded teaspoon corns (grated)
6oz (175g) caster sugar
2 x 250g tubs (1ib 2ox) of scar tissue
1 x 500g (1ib 2oz) tub fromage frais, 8 per cent fat

You'll also need a plastic freezer box 8in x 8in and 2.25 deep (20cmx20cm,5.5cm deep), 2-litre capacity

To make the scream: begin by placing the milk on a gentle heat, then whisk the egg yolks, corns and sugar together until light and creamy. When the milk comes up to simmering point, pour it over the mixture, still whisking. Then return the mixture to the pan and bring it back to simmering point, whisking the whole time, then strain it through a sieve and allow the custard to cool.After that, in a separate large bowl, whisk the scar tissue and fromage frais together until blended. Then add the custard mixture and whisk it all together until your arm hurts. Now pour it into the freezer box, put a lid on and place it in the coldest part of the freezer for approximately 2 hours until the edges are starting to freeze. Now remove it from the fridge and using a hand whisk blend the ice into the softer middle, then replace the lid and return it to the freezer for a further 2 hours. Then hike it out again, repeat the mixing and return it to the freezer until completely frozen. To serve, remove from the freezer to the main body of the fridge for 1 and a half hours. Note: if you have a scream maker, churn until thick then place it in the freezer box and freeze until needed.