Spaghetti Horrornese Sauce

What with all these witches and hags in my dreams, one would think I am possessed by some cack-handed old lady who is set on knowing my culinary arts?

Perhaps it is the elusive Devilia Smith, a character Beth and her former flatmate Sara made up when they were clearly off their heads on something back in Shepherd's Bush in 1993. She (Devilia that is, not Sara!) consisted of a broom with a devil mask, a wig and wore various items of clothing, depending on the day. But, she always wore gloves apparently.

I blame all those Aussie/Kiwi bars they apparently used to frequent in those days. Addled their brains methinks! I, on the other hand, spent 1993 as a very busy cunning linguist in Bloomsbury. Make of that what you will, but those that know me well will know what I mean.

Anyway, Devilia had her own way of cooking up a storm, as was demonstrated in the following recipe for Spaghetti Horrornese Sauce. Was this the mysterious spag bol I spoke about in my sleep?

Vegetarian mince (this is the horror part! For something less terrifying, add a mixture of minced beef and pork)
1 onion, chopped
3 crushed garlic cloves
1 tablespoon olive oil
1 tin crushed tomatoes
1 tablespoon tomato puree
1 teaspoon oregano
1 tablespoon honey
1 teaspoon paprika
1/2 cup red wine
1/2 cup water
1/2 tablespoon Worcestershire Sauce
1 tablespoon sweet chilli sauce
Salt and pepper to taste

Heat oil in a pan and fry onion and garlic until soft. Add vege mince (or the real stuff) and heat until brown. Pour in red wine and simmer for five minutes, stirring occasionally. Add the remaining ingredients and simmer for an hour. If sauce gets too thick, add some water as required.

Consume with fresh pasta and enjoy!

Sticky fingers

Here's the recipe for those glazed maple ribs.

Ingredients
2 1/2 lbs pork spareribs
6 fluid ounces maple syrup
2 tablespoons brown sugar
2 tablespoons ketchup (not Heinz...we don't like them and are boycotting all products after pulling their "gay deli" ad after a mere 200 complaints from homophobic bigots!)
1 tablespoon cider vinegar
1 tablespoon Worcestershire Sauce
Salt
2 teaspoons mustard (Swedish or German style is best)
A glug of Bourbon (Jack Daniels or Jim Beam)

Place ribs in a large saucepan, cover with water and bring to the boil. Reduce the heat, cover and simmer for one hour. Drain and place in a shallow dish. In a small saucepan, combine the maple syrup, brown sugar, ketchup, vinegar, Worcestershire sauce, salt, mustard and Bourbon.

Bring to a boil, stirring, and then remove from the heat and pour over the ribs. Toss the ribs to coat well, cover and marinate in the refrigerator for at least two hours. Transfer ribs to a pre-heated oven and cook for about 20 minutes, or until tender and glazed. Serve hot.