Mrs Slocombe has a lot to answer for

Beth and I have a pair of fat pussies. At least that's what the vet told us last week. In fact, she told that she too has a fat pussy. It's an epidemic!

You may have gathered that we are talking about our cats, but one can't help but slip in the the odd 'pussy' joke. I never tire of it. I blame Mrs Slocombe for that. In fact, I've often thought that if I ever had a band I would call it 'Mrs Slocombe's Pussy'. But then realised that it makes me sound like some dreadful 90s student who worships at the altar of the Mary Whitehouse Experience and Viz and who thinks it's funny to be 'ironic' about camp comedy and pop culture.

Th vet called our cat Jasper a 'big girl's blouse' the other day because he was shaking like a leaf during his annual check up. It was an amusing thing to say to such a big pussy who is normally full of bravado in the security of his own home.

Anyway, the upshot is, Jasper and Aslan are on a diet. Which displeases them immensely. For Aslan, that means she no longer is allowed tidbits of cheese when I open the fridge or gets to sample Mummy's baking. That cat is a whore for cinnamon! For Jasper it means special food for fatty cats, for he is one big bugger. It's not that he is fat per se, just big boned and well built. You see, I'm sensitive to his feelings, I am making up euphemisms for his weight problem.

He has to go back in six weeks for his weigh-in. It's quite an amusing sight seeing the veterinary nurse use a tape measure round his waist to measure his girth. What next, Cat Fat Fighters support group with Marjorie Paws?

The fact is, some of our friends have much bigger pussies, ours are slimline in comparison. And if they are reading this blog, you know who you are......